Joke collection nr. 9 by Jacob Holdt Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all politically correct) are shown in the order I received them in emails from good and really "bad" American friends. I may have many, but even I don't "get them all."
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
True Story.
Extracted from The New York Times, Nov 11, 1993:
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point
pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules.
After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was
developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. the pen worked and also
enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
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A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an
Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat
field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least
twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his
herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that
are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan
sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks,
"And what are those"? The Aussie replies with an incredulous look,
"Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
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During this years International Gynecology Conference an American doctor and a French Doctor were having a drink and discussing unusual cases they had treated.
The Frenchman "I had a lady in my office last month with a clitoris like a melon!"
"Don't be absurd" the American exclaimed. "It couldn't have been that big. The poor woman wouldn't be able to walk if it were."
"Aah, you Americans, always thinking about size," replied the Frenchman. "I was talking about the flavor !"
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There is a beautiful deserted island in the middle of nowhere where the
following people are stranded:
a.. 2 Italian men & 1 Italian woman
b.. 2 French men & 1 French woman
c.. 2 German men and 1 German woman
d.. 2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
e.. 2 English men and 1 English woman
f.. 2 Bulgarian men and 1 Bulgarian woman
g.. 2 Swedish men and 1 Swedish woman
h.. 2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman
One month later on this beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere:
One Italian man has killed the other for the Italian woman.
The two French men and the French woman are living happily in a
"menage a trois."
The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of when they
alternate with the German woman.
The two Greek men are sleeping together and the woman is cleaning and
cooking for them.
The two English men are still waiting to be introduced to the English
woman.
The Bulgarian men took one look at the endless ocean and one look at the
woman and started swimming.
The two Swedish men are contemplating the virtues of suicide while the
woman keeps on bitching about her body being her own and on the true
nature of feminism. But at least it's not snowing and the taxes are
low.
The Irish began by dividing the island Northside/Southside and setting
up a distillery. They don't remember that sex is in the picture, because
it gets sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut whisky, but
at least they know that the English aren't getting any...
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Three cowboys, one from Louisiana, one from Arkansas, and the other from Texas are sitting around a campfire, out on the lonesome prairie, each with the bravado for which they are famous. A night of tall tales
begins........
The guy from Louisiana says, "I must be the meanest, toughest cowboy
there is. Why, just the other day, a bull got loose in the corral and
gored six men before I wrestled it to the ground by the horns, with my
bare hands."
The guy from Arkansas can't stand to be outdone. "Why I was walking
down the trail yesterday and a fifteen foot rattler slid out from
under a rock and made a move for me. I grabbed that snake with my
bare hands and bit it's head off and sucked the poison down in one
gulp. And I'm still here today"
The Texan just sat there quietly, slowly stirring the coals with his
penis.
==========
A gum-chewing American and a Frenchman are sitting together in a restaurant. The American feel really proud to be an American, so he starts a conversation. He asks the Frenchman, "When you eat bread, do you eat all of it?"
"Mais oui!, of course!" responds the Frenchman.
"Well," says the American, "we only eat the soft part of it. The rest we collect in containers, take to a factory and put through a mill. What comes out are little toasts that we sell in France.
"And what about steaks?" he continues. "Do you eat all parts of them?"
"Bien sur! We do," replies the Frenchman.
"You don`t say!" says the American, grinning. "We don`t! We only eat the meaty part of the steak. The greasy part we collect in containers, take to a factory, put through a mill, and what comes out are little steaks that we sell in France."
Now the Frenchman is really riled, so he asks, "And what do Americans do with their used condoms?"
"Hey, we throw them away of course," says the American.
"Ha!" exclaims the Frenchman. "We collect them in containers, take them to a factory and put them through a mill. What comes out is chewing gum that we sell in America!"
____________________________________________________________________
Did you know that Bill Clinton is considering changing
the Democratic seal from a donkey to a condom, because
it represents inflation, halts production, and gives
you a false sense of security while you are being screwed?
* * * * *
Washington has come up with a solution for the Clinton situation. They added the 11th commandment.... "Thou shall not put thy rod in thy staff"
* * * * * Bill Gates is in town (New York) showing all the computer executives how well Windows 98 works. But computer executives say that Windows 98 goes down so much they are thinking about renaming it MONICA 98
* * * * * It seems the big new game to play at the White House is SWALLOW THE LEADER!
**** In Kennedy's time we had Camelot. In Clinton's we have CAME-A-LOT.
**** Arkansas is very proud of Clinton. All these women coming forward, and not one of them is his sister!
**** Q. What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? A. Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference!
* * * * * *
Bill and Hillary were in bed last night asleep. At 2 am Hillary woke up and needed to go to the bathroom,so Hillary was shaking Bill to wake him up to tell him she needed to go the bathroom. Bill said to her "Hillary, why are you waking me up to tell me you needed to go the bathroom?" Hillary said back to him, "Because I wanted you to save my spot."
* * * * * *
President Clinton has decided to recruit interns from only four colleges:
Morehead, Oral Roberts, Ball State and Brigham Young.
* * * * * *
Hillary Clinton goes to a fortune teller who says to her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow, your husband will soon suffer a violent death." Mrs. Clinton takes a deep breath and replies, "Will I be acquitted?"
* * * * * *
The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue"
Subject: MONICA'S REPLY
Monica Lewinsky, in a statement released today, in response to President Clinton's testimony... "I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face. This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again. No one will ever be able to say that 'Monica Lewinsky' isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it." "Thank you." Monica Lewinsky
____________________________________________________________________
These two guys walk into a bar, and they've each got a black eye. The bartender asks the first guy, "What happened to you?" The guy responds, "I had a slight mishap with my wife. You see we were getting plane tickets and the lady behind the counter was REALLY good looking, and I meant to say 'two tickets to Pittsburg' but instead I said, 'two pickets to Tittsburg', and my wife hit me." The bartender looks at the second guy and asks, "and you?" The guy responds, "I had a slight mishap of words this mornig also. While I was eating breakfast I meant to say 'Please pass the marmalade', but instead I accidentally said, 'You stupid bitch, you've ruined my life!'"
Why are some married women a bit heavier than single ones? The single woman comes home, sees what's in the fridge, and goes to bed. The married one comes home, sees what's in the bed and goes to the fridge.
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One day, the pig farmer went to the veterinarian and asked "Why can't I get my pigs to reproduce?" The vet replied,"Well, if nature isn't taking care of itself, you're going to have to artificially inseminate them." The farmer, not wanting to admit he doesn't understand this term, says, "Well, how will I know if they are pregnant?" And the vet replies, "They will roll around in the mud."
So the next day, the farmer(assuming artificial insemination means he is supposed to impregnate them himself), puts all the pigs in the truck, drives them out in the woods, and has sex with them all. In the morning, he eagerly awakes and looks out the window-the pigs are just standing around as usual.
So, the farmer figures one more try will do the trick. He loads them in the truck, drives them into the woods, and has sex with all of the pigs. The next morning, as he looks out the window, nothing has changed-the pigs are not muddy.
Finally, the farmer thinks.."Just one more try." Again, he loads them into the truck, drives into the woods, and has sex with all the pigs.
The next morning, the man is too tired to look out the window, so he asks his wife to do it. He says, "Well, are the pigs rolling around in the mud?" And his wife replies, "No.....but they're all huddled up in the truck, and one of them is honking the horn"
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A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.
Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. "
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?" "Moses," Replied the bird.
"Moses" the burglar laughed.
"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'."
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An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch, reflecting on her long life, when-all of a sudden-a fairy godmother appears in front of her and informs her that she will be granted three wishes. Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich." *= **POOF*** Her rocking chair turns to solid gold. "And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful Princess." **POOF*** She turns into a beautiful young woman. "Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them. "Ooh-can you change him into a handsome Prince?" she asks. *** POOF *** There before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone could possibly imagine. She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makes her knees weak, he saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear: "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars." "What does that tell you?" Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I supect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.$ What does it tell you?" Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you dickhead. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
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Subject: cook
Some time ago Mr. Clinton was hosting a state dinner when at the last minute his regular cook took ill and they had to get a replacement at short notice. The fellow arrived and turned out to be a very grubby looking man named Jon. The President voiced his concerns to his chief of staff but was told that this was the best they could do at such short notice. Just before the meal, the President noticed the cook sticking his fingers in the soup to taste it and again he complained to the chief of staff about the cook, but he was told that this man was supposed to be a very good chef. The meal went okay but the President was sure that the soup tasted a little off, and by the time dessert came, he was starting to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse till finally he had to excuse himself from the state dinner to look for the bathroom. Passing through the kitchen, he caught sight of the cook, Jon, scratching his rear end and this made him feel even worse. By now he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened and as he undid his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was just about to pass out, she bent over him and heard her president whisper in a barely audible voice, "sack my cook". And that is how the whole misunderstanding occurred.
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Twas the Night Before Christmas in Brooklyn
'Twas the night before Christmas, Da whole house was mella, Not a creature was stirrin', Cuz I had a gun unda da pilla. When up on da roof I heard somethin' pound, I sprung to da window, To scream, "YO! Keep it down!" When what to my Wanderin' eyes should appear, But da Don of all elfs, And eight friggin' reindeer! Wit' slicked back black hair, And a silk red suit, don Christopher wuz here, And he brought da loot! Wit' a slap to dare snouts, And a yank on dare manes, He cursed and he shouted, And he called dem by name. "Yo Tony, Yo Frankie, Yo Vinny, Yo Vito, Ay Joey, Ay Paulie, Ay Pepe, Ay Guido!" As I drew out my gun And hid by da bed, He flew troo da winda And slapped me 'side da head. "What da hell you doin' Pullin' a gun on da Don? Now all you're gettin' is coal, You friggin' moron!" Den pointin' a fat finga Right unda my nose, He twisted his pinky ring, And up da chimney he rose. He sprang to his sleigh, Obscenities screamin', Away dey all flew, Before he troo dem a beatin'. Den I heard him yell out, What I did least expect, "Merry Friggin' Christmas to all, And yous better show some respect!"
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Hit Television Shows in Iraq:
"Husseinfeld"
"Mad About Everything"
"U.S. Military Secrets Revealed"
"Suddenly Sanctions"
"Allah McBeal"
"Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest"
"Matima Loves Chachi"
"The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show"
"Buffy The Slayer of Yankee Imperialist Dogs"
"Wheel of Fortune and Terror"
"Iraq's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
"Achmed's Creek"
"The Price is Right If Saddam Says It's Right"
M*U*S*T*A*S*H
"Veronica's Closet Full of Long, Black,Shapeless Dresses"
"Two Guys, a Girl, and a Mosque"
"When Kurds Attack"
"Just Shoot Me"
"My Two Baghdads"
"Diagnosis Heresy"
"Everybody Loves Saddam Or He'll Have Them Shot"
"Captured Iranian Soldiers Say the Darndest Things"
"Two Guys, a Girl and a Fatwah"
"Totally Clothed Baywatch"
==========
Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton meet up in Baghdad for a round of talks in a new peace process. When Bill sits down, he notices three buttons on the side of Saddam's chair.
They begin talking. After about five minutes Saddam presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Clinton in the face.
Confused, Clinton carries on talking as Saddam laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the shin.
Again Saddam laughs, and again Clinton carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Clinton in the privates, he's finally had enough.
"I'm going back home!" he tells the Iraqi. "We'll finish these talks in two weeks!"
A fortnight passes and Saddam flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Hussein notices three buttons on Clinton's chair and prepares himself for the Yank's revenge.
They begin talking and Bill presses the first button. Saddam ducks, but nothing happens. Clinton snickers.
A few seconds later he presses the second button. Saddam jumps up, but again nothing happens. Clinton roars with laughter.
When the third button is pressed, Saddam jumps up again, and again nothing happens. Clinton falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics.
"Forget this," says Saddam. "I'm going back to Baghdad!"
Clinton says through tears of laughter, "What Baghdad?"
_____________________________________________________________
Owed to a Spell in Checker*
I have a spelling checker, it came with my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue, miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it, you sure reel bee glad two no. It's vary polished in it's weigh, my checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing, it freeze yew lodes of thymes. It helps me right awl stiles two reeds, and aides me when aye rime.
To rite with care is quite a feet of witch won should be proud. And wee mussed dew the best wee can, sew flaws are knot aloud.
And now bee cause my spelling is checked with such grate flare, Their are know faults with in my cite. Of none eye am a wear.
Each frays come posed up on my screen, eye trussed to be a joule. The checker poured oar every word to cheque sum spelling rule.
That's why aye brake in two averse by righting wants two pleas. Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays, such soft wear for pea seas!
*Poet of Poet Tree knot known.
______________________________________________________
Q; What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe." Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.
Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.
Q. I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered.
These doctors basically fall into two categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry -- the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half day's drive away.
Q. What are pre-existing conditions?
A. This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we appear to be pre-stuck with it.
Q. Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.
Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.
Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomachache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.
Q. I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?
A. You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.
Q. What should I do if I get sick while traveling?
A. Try sitting in a different part of the bus.
Q. No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.
Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you're out is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.
_________________________________________________________________
Owed to a Spell in Checker*
I have a spelling checker, it came with my PC. It plane lee marks four my revue, miss steaks eye can knot sea.
Eye ran this poem threw it, you sure reel bee glad two no. It's vary polished in it's weigh, my checker tolled me sew.
A checker is a bless sing, it freeze yew lodes of thymes. It helps me right awl stiles two reeds, and aides me when aye rime.
To rite with care is quite a feet of witch won should be proud. And wee mussed dew the best wee can, sew flaws are knot aloud.
And now bee cause my spelling is checked with such grate flare, Their are know faults with in my cite. Of none eye am a wear.
Each frays come posed up on my screen, eye trussed to be a joule. The checker poured oar every word to cheque sum spelling rule.
That's why aye brake in two averse by righting wants two pleas. Sow now ewe sea why aye dew prays, such soft wear for pea seas!
*Poet of Poet Tree knot known.
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INSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT'S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to tell them how good it is.
If you have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the oven. Set the oven using these keystrokes: \mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat// Then enter: ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme. If you have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start. The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the ingredients of the dinner (found on the package label), the weight of the dinner, and the desired level of cooking and press start. The oven will calculate the time and heat and cook the diner exactly to your specification.
Be forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in which case your oven must be restarted. This is a simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven and enter ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/again.crap. This process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many users have reported that the dinner tray is far too big, larger than the dinner itself, having many useless compartments, most of which are empty. These are for future menu items. If the tray is too large to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your equipment.
Dinners are only available from registered outlets, and only the chicken variety is currently produced. If you want another variety, call MicrosoftHelp and they will explain that you really don't want another variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases will only be in the larger family size. Excess chicken may be stored for future use, but must be saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft promises a dessert with every dinner after '98. However, that version has yet to be released. Users have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost. This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably should have been defrosted anyway.
--------------------------------------------------------------
TWISTED DISNEY
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions.
"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees.
"What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck and **very** satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago."
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
"I know of no prince with that kind of power. Tell me his name."
"I can't remember, exactly ...Peter, Peter, something or other...."
__________________________________________________
Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me, Lie to me." ______________________________________________________
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a machete to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out."
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book" ______________________________________________________
Mickey Mouse and Minnie Mouse were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy." Mickey replied, "No I didn't. I said she is fuckin' Goofy." ________________________________________________________
Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters whenever they had sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.
Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple of weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
__________________________________________________________________
MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WOMAN
In a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves.
The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:
"Iron this."
_____________________________________________________________
Hello, friends! happy driving!
Actual Bumper Stickers
* We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
* Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
* A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
* Horn broken, watch for finger.
* The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
* My kid had sex with your honor student.
* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
* Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
akes to take what you've got.
* Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
* I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
* Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
* Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
* Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
* Keep honking, I'm reloading.
* Hang up and drive.
* I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
* I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. ur followers.
* Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
* I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
* Cats... the other white meat.
ووووووووووووووووووووووووووووووووو
* The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
* Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
* When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
* If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
* Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
* Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
* He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
* Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
* Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
* Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
* Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
* Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
* Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
rock.
Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
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TOP 15 BIBLICAL WAYS TO ACQUIRE A WIFE
1. Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she's yours. - (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
2. Find a prostitute and marry her. - (Hosea 1:1-3)
3. Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock - Moses (Exodus 2:16-21)
4. Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. Boaz (Ruth 4:5-10)
5. Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. - Benjaminites (Judges 21:19-25)
6. Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. - Adam (Genesis 2:19-24)
7. Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman's hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work nother seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That's right. Fourteen years of hard labor for a wife. - Jacob (Genesis 29:15-30)
8. Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law's enemies and get his daughter for a wife. - David (I Samuel 18:27)
9. Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you'll definitely find someone. (It's all relative, of course.) - Cain (Genesis 4:16-17)
10. Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. - Xerxes or Ahasuerus (Esther 2:3-4)
1. When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, "I have seen a ... woman; now get her for me." If your parents question your decision, simply say, "Get her for me. She's the one for me." - Samson (Judges 14:1-3)
12. Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though=). - David (2 Samuel 11)
13. Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It's not just a good idea; it's the law.) - Onan and Boaz (Deuteronomy or Leviticus, xample in Ruth)
14. Don't be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. - Solomon (1 Kings 11:1-3)
15. A wife?...NOT! - Paul (1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
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There's this couple doing yard work and the wife stops to go up
and take a shower. The guy is looking for the rake and yells to
his wife, who looks out of the upstairs bathroom window, "Where's the
rake?"
She can't hear him, so he points to his eye [ I ], points to his
knee [need ] and then makes raking motions. "What?" she yells.
So he goes through the whole routine again. She nods like she
gets it and then points to her eye, squeezes her left breast,
slaps her ass, and then rubs her crotch. Her husband is somewhat
confused, though totally aroused, so he quickly goes in the
house, up the stairs, and into the bathroom. "What did you say?"
She says, "I said: eye, left tit, behind, the bush."
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Subject: Cheap HMO's
The trend towards lower cost Health Maintenance Organizations has many Americans worried. Here are the "Top 30 Signs You've Joined a Cheap HMO"
1. Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
2. Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure,"
3. Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace,"
4. You ask for Viagra. You get a popsicle stick and duct tape.
5. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
6. Exam room has a tip jar.
7. You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
8. "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"
9. Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.
10. "Take two leeches and call me in the morning."
11. The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.
12. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.
13. Covered postnatal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.
14. Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.
15."Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.
16. Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.
17. Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park,"
18. Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.
19. Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."
20. Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.
21. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.
22. Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.
23. Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, you sissy."
24. To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.
25. Recycled bandages.
26. You can get your flu shot as soon as "the" hypodermic needle is dry.
27. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.
28. 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK
29. Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.
30. Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.
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